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Couples therapy for emotional distance and disconnection
You may not fight much, but you don’t feel close either. Many couples drift into parallel lives, and many find their way back to each other.
Couples & partners · Secure video across Illinois · Gottman-informed & EFT
What this can look like
You feel more like roommates than partners
Conversations are mostly about logistics
Less affection or sex, or a mismatch in desire
Feeling lonely while in the relationship
Feeling unappreciated or emotionally neglected
Work, screens, or kids take every spare moment
Why it happens
Connection is built in small moments
Gottman calls everyday attempts to connect “bids”: a comment, a question, a touch. In a study of newlyweds, couples who were still married six years later turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced did so 33% of the time.
Distance is often protection
Emotionally focused therapy sees pulling away as a way to cope when needs for closeness keep going unmet. Distance is often a sign of hurt, not a sign that someone has stopped caring.
Life crowds the relationship
Stress from work, family, and caregiving takes energy the relationship used to get. Research on dyadic coping shows that how partners handle stress together is strongly tied to how satisfied they feel.
How couples therapy can help
01
Understand the drift
We look at when the distance started and what each of you has been carrying, without blame.
02
Reach and respond
Practice naming what you need and responding to each other in ways that feel safe. This is the heart of emotionally focused therapy.
03
Rebuild rituals of connection
Small daily habits, intimacy conversations, and time that belongs to the two of you.
WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS
Small responses add up
Couples who stayed together turned toward each other’s bids for connection far more often than couples who divorced.
EFT has strong research support
A meta-analysis of emotionally focused couples therapy found large improvements in relationship distress.
Questions
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Not necessarily. Distance is common and often reversible. Therapy can also help you both get clear on what you want.
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Yes, with care and at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you.
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You’re still welcome. Therapy can help you understand what happened and decide how to move forward, together or apart.
Start with one conversation, together.
A free, no-pressure 15-minute phone call. Ask about fees, insurance, or how we work.
Book a free 15-min consult Join the waitlistSOURCES
The Gottman Institute. Turn toward instead of away.
Johnson, S., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67–79.
Falconier, M. K., Jackson, J. B., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2015). Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 28–46. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002
This page is general information, not a substitute for therapy.